Does Self-Doubt Burn Calories?
By Bianca
Anyone who has read this blog knows that I am a totally awesome person. Shiny purple leggings anyone? But lately I have been suffering from a major case of self-doubt, and it’s making me feel worse than a virgin who can’t drive.
I can’t exactly pinpoint when it first started, but I do know that being cast in the fashion show has made me feel worse about myself, instead of better. Why? Because I cannot walk to save my life. I have no sass. And most of the other girls are so good, while I can barely make it to the end of the runway and turn around with tripping over my heels. I know some of it is nerves, but damn if I cannot put my feet in front of each other in a semi presentable fashion.
The other thing that has really been getting to me is my body. Most of the time I am cool with my fat and everything that comes with it, but lately, things have just felt off. I feel not comfortable. I feel like I am not eating good enough, not exercising enough, not doing something enough, and it’s driving me crazy.
It doesn’t help that out of nowhere I got a whole bunch of new stretch marks on my stomach and hips. I have no idea where those things came from, but I am pretty sure a troll has put a voodoo curse on me. And I am going to be completely honest with you. I do not like them. I want them to go away. Far, far away.
But they won’t. It would be one thing if I was pregnant, and at least guaranteed some future child support because of them, but I’m not. What I am is apparently fatter, which normally would be ok, but right now my brain is refusing to believe that. It’s yelling “Cut the carbs, cut the carbs”.
Chocolate covered bacon is low carb, right?
1) You will always be your own worst critic in things like the sashaying down the runway department. I bet some of those girls you think are all awesome and sassy are watching you and thinking… Damn, I wish I was awesome and sassy like HER! Seriously, even if you feel awkward, so does everyone else, I bet.
2) As long as it is DARK chocolate covered bacon, it’s practically health food!
Okay, I flat out refuse to believe that you’re no good at the sashay. In fact, I believe (from reading your blog, natch) that you are the sassiest of sass-walkers and the fierciest of fiercers. You are Sasshina of the Fiercers or, for the gaelic influence, Sassy Sashay McFierceFierce.
And I just got stretch marks on my boobs for no apparent reason. WTF???
Regarding stretch marks, it’s a really stupid, unfortunate thing that they’ve been linked, in the public imagination, with pregnancy. My 6′ tall, 150lb husband has stretch marks on his hips. Needless to say, he was never pregnant.
Stretch marks are a natural part of life, like cellulite and that funny way your chest or belly goes in and out while you breathe.
All these human features get airbrushed out of nearly every advert and celebrity photo we see, so it’s easy to forget that and end up holding ourselves up to ridiculously unrealistic standards.
Clueless reference! Love it.
I’ve got new stretch marks too. Mine are all over my inner thighs and, as we’re heading into summer over here, they’re on display everytime I wear a pair of shorts or my bikini. I used to hate everything about them, but now I kind of like ‘em.
Bodies are interesting. We get scars and stretch marks and cellulite and wrinkles and freckles. The Boyfriend has done some life drawing and he says there is nothing worse than the ‘perfect’ model – the thinner, smoother, younger model. There’s nothing to engage with, he says, and it’s harder to give the drawing a sense of life. All our ‘imperfections’ make our bodies more fun to look at.
I have nothing conducive.
Except **hugs**
Mmmmm, dark chocolate and bacon.
And I decided to take picture of my stretch marks for day 28.
Thanks guys!
I personally think stretch marks are really interesting looking and fascinating. I remember getting my first stretch marks – those red long ones – when I was in college, and I couldn’t stop looking at them. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel self-conscious about them, maybe it was because no one but me and my stupid boyfriend at the time saw them. But the way the skin pulls away from itself and it so smooth on the actual mark – I just think it is really cool.
And Bianca – you’re beautiful, babe – just the way you are!
Just remember to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and you’ll be fine!
I just hope that I don’t fall.
phases…. just a phase…. in a rut. on track off track… feeling it.,,, riding the wave… wipeout… I am up agaist it with body image a lot of the time… what I am coming to see, thanks to the Fat Acceptance Community is that the cliche is a cliche because it has a truth to it and the cliche is the only opinion that counts is my own. Walking around New York City, loving myself and my body is a good feeling. I need to be in a good head space to maintain this. When i start to think about what other people think,… if I am in a good head I can say somthing like, I am a powerful enough brain to grasp that importance of connecting with my own beauty, my own appeal….. when i am in a bad head space, my thoughts are polluted with thoghts like, who do I think I am kidding? There is not a girl anywahere anytime who could be into being with me. and if I don’t pull the emergency break and start looking for thoughts of self love… the negative ones grow more harsh and more hateful… they descend to thoughts like, you are deluding yoursefl, you are ugly, you are repulsive, you are always going to be alone…. Those are powerful and hateful thoughts that, sadly, have been thought about myself over the years too often. There is a wonderful, handsome, great guy typing this message. I need to pivot the hateful thoughts towards the self loving thoughts. When I find myself enveloped in the low self confidence place, I need to do something that helps me feel confident and connected… Can’t always figure that out but at least I know I need to do it…
I think bianca posting about what’s going on in the self talk is in a way a step back towards feeling confident…
I think if we look to the general culture, the outside world to comment on what we look like, we are going to get cut down because our culture has been taught to despise, hate, and look down on fat.
Being in community with other fatties who know that we can be beautiful sassy confident and sexy is where I want to spend my time.
I am nowhere near this 100% of the time, but I am getting better all the time…
By the way… please tell all the hetero fat me and all the ladies who are into them about this event Saturday night, which is the first of its kind that I have come accross…. http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/brooklyn/2009/09/25/2009-09-25_they_throw_phat_parties_heavyweight_pals_plan_si_bash_for_plussize_romeos.html
I’ll be there with my sexy on… come on ladies and witness the sexy!!!!
Cheers,
Ivan
Just channel Carrie from SATC!