Girls are Bitches, Part III
by sylvia
You remember Susan and Lana, don’t you? I talked about them here.
What got me thinking about them today was talking to my 12 year old niece who is visiting. She was telling me some long, drawn-out story, of which I could only understand about 2-3 words since she was speaking so fast, about her friend who was being mean to her and something about a boy.
Once I consulted the tween-to-adult dictionary, I figured out what she was talking about. Apparently, the friend was being mean to my niece and she didn’t know why. Turns out, there was a boy who was being nice to my niece, and said friend liked him, but never said anything about it. So of course she is going to be mean to my niece – DUH.
So it reminded me that us ladies aren’t always the best at communicating. Sure, guys are just as bad, but in a different way. We expect people to just *know* that’s how we feel about something, and we shouldn’t have to say it, dammit!
Yes, of course I’m generalizing here. But let me get to the meat of this story.
I was living with Susan & Lana in our capital city post-college. Lana had recently been in touch with one of her graduate school buddies from the West Coast, and she really talked him up to me. She swooned and swooned about what a perfect match he and I would make, and she couldn’t wait for us to meet each other, people she was sure we would hit it off. I was all for it, because I was lonely, and he sounded great – he was smart and tall and rich.
So one day he calls. Lana sees his number flash on the caller ID. She yells at me to answer it so I can start hitting it off with him. Nothing says romance like forced interaction and awkwardness.
I reluctantly answer the phone while Lana silently giggles in the background. I force the conversation because Lana is watching, but knowing that her buddy is clearly calling for her, he’s never even met nor talked to me before!
This probably happened 2-3 more times, so our conversations were less awkward, but still relatively forced.
The buddy has planned a trip to visit Lana. Lana is very excited because she is still convinced we need to be together. I ask Lana why she is not interested in him. Her response – “eww! gross – he’s like a brother to me.”
The buddy visits. He is cute and tall and funny and smart. I am smitten. He shows some interest in me. I tell a story, he listens. But as I talk, I am interrupted by Lana, and Lana focuses the spotlight back on her.
Lana doesn’t really treat him like a brother. I say to her “it seems like he might like you more than just a friend” – she denies it vehemently, and reinforces that she thinks he is gross and that we are more of a match.
Throughout the night, Lana leans over to me and says things like “he’s great, isn’t he? I think he likes you! you should talk to him more! I can’t wait until the wedding!” and other garbage. I blow it off and try to maintain my dignity for the remainder of the night.
We head home, the buddy has drunk too much, and Lana and I are taking care of his pukey self.
Buddy asks where he can sleep. I recommend the couch in the living room, Lana insists he sleep in her bed. I offer Lana my bed to sleep in (I’m a dumbass) and she declines. I go to sleep.
I wake up in the middle of the night to sounds of Lana and the buddy making out. Since our bedrooms are attached via the bathroom, I am able to peek into Lana’s room, and lo and behold – Lana and the buddy are totally making out, and I’m pretty sure she has her shirt off.
Needless to say, I am pissed! But not surprised.
After the buddy leaves, I ask Lana why she would let him put the moves on her when she wasn’t interested, and she was trying to get him together with me?
Her response? “If I acted like I didn’t like him, he might not want to be friends with me anymore, and I like having a lot of friends.”
Stupid Biznatch
(p.s. – I know I’m not the only one with such stories – let’s hear ‘em!)
When people make statements like “girls are bitches” or “men are dogs,” they might as well be saying: “I have bad judgement.” It seems like you have made bad choices when it comes to selecting friends, but that doesn’t mean that women are more untrustworthy or deceitful than men are.
He’s her Justin. You know, just in case the dating market dries up…that sort of thing. She should either be honest that she wants him, or be honest that she doesn’t. Dude aren’t emergency supplies.
On what Rachel Simmons* calls ‘relational aggression’ in girls, with regard to the teens: girls are very powerfully socialized out of direct emotional expression. A girl is supposed to be ‘nice’ at all times, which means quiet, not angry, and not actively pursuing a guy. Nobody can maintain not being angry, so it leaks out in socially acceptable ways of being ‘bitchy’ instead of outright mad. A lot of girls benefit from having honest outlets for their aggression, like sports, and it helps to create an environment where they’re allowed to honestly express their feelings so that they know what they’re feeling and how to deal with it.
*Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, I highly recommend this book for dealing with your own and other people’s teenage girls. Also remember being a teenager sucks, has always sucked, and will always suck. It just makes you bitchy all around to have to go through.
Duck, I must disagree with you. I don’t think that all women are bitches or all men are assholes, but there are unfortunately certain dynamics that are present in certain groups of each gender. I went to a women’s college and personally experienced a lot of cattiness. Those aren’t people I chose to stay friends with, but you don’t always know who is going to do these sorts of things until they happen.
On the other hand, sometimes actions like this aren’t about being catty or bitchy, but rather an individual’s insecurities, issues, and how they cope.
I’ve never had anything just like this happen, but several times my beset friend has told me she thinks I’d hit it off with one of her male friends…friends she’s later hooked up with. In one case I never met the friend in question – in another case it was someone who, when I first met him, didn’t strike me as a genuine person. And I ended up being right.
And yes, it bothers me a little. But at the same time, I’ve known her for over 10 years and I know her issues, and I know why she acts the way she does around men. It’s not personal and she’s not a bitch.
Oh man. Not only do I have stories, I have new stories. Some of them I can’t even share, because I will get all ranty and such, and I am on deadline.
I will say this. I’ve worked on Capitol Hill, where you have to practically have a PhD in covert aggression just to get in the door. You want to learn what uber-bitchery people — and woman/girls in particular — can really get up to?
Get on LiveJournal.
There is no, no, no amount of money in the world that would cause me to be willing to be 12 again. Or 13, or 14, or 15, etc.
I might be willing to go back as far as 28 or so – that’s when I finally grew a spine and stopped letting other people’s bitchiness wreck my life.
yeah, 28 I can handle. Adolescence – BARF.
And are you anti-celery? because I am PRO-CELERY!
We need to battle!
Celery ROOT.
*throws down*