Speaking of Vaginas
By Bianca
I’m just going to cut to the chase. There is a picture of a vagina on my cell phone. The vagina is not mine. As far I can tell, the vagina does not belong to anyone I actually know.
You are probably asking yourself, “Self, how in the world did Bianca get a picture of some strange woman’s vagina on her cell phone?” Well Self, sit down, relax, and grab some popcorn, because I am about to tell you a very interesting, and slightly creepy, story.
I was innocently sitting at home one night,watching Paris Hilton’s My New BFF reading the Bible, when I received a text message. I did not recognize the phone number, and assumed it was spam at first. Then I read it.
Hey sexy, you awake? Its jonette.
Umm, who’s Jonette?
So I text back: Wrong number
My phone beeps again: This is not chris
Bianca: No, I’m a chick
And that’s when things got very, very interesting.
Jonette: Really wow are you a married chick cause i have talked to him on this number
Umm, ex-squeeze me? Hell no, the heffa did not!!
Then I realized the my husband’s name is not Chris, and that if he was stupid enough to cheat on me and use a fake name, he sure as hell would not be using my cell phone.
So then, who the hell is texting me? Ohhhhhh, this must be some kind of joke. But who would try to pull such a lame ass, pathetic prank when…..ohhhh, duh! It has to be Sylvia. Ok, biznatch, two can play this game.
Bianca: That’s cool. We have an open relationship.
Sylvonette: Sorry he was talking to me about me you and him getting together soon did he not tell you cause he said he did
Hee, hee, Sylvia totally does not know that I am on to her. What a lame-o.
Bianca the awesome: Nope but I am down with it, but I need to see a pic of your tits first.
Sylvonette the homewrecker: Send you one
Mmm hmm, whatever, you think you can pull a fast one on me. I better kick it up a notch.
Bianca is so cool: Send one of your vadge too. Want to make sure your pubes are properly groomed.
At this point I’m pretty sure Sylvia knows I am in on the joke, and I am wondering if she’s going to actually send me any pictures, and if so, what she’ll send.
A couple of pictures came though.
I download them.
The first picture is some chick in a bra and panties. I look at her rack.
Umm, that’s not Sylvia.
The second picture is the same chick posing on her bed in lingerie.
Umm, that’s not Sylvia either. What the hell is going on?
Immediately called Sylvia, and I am not going to replicate the conversation here, but suffice to say there was a lot of freaking out on my end, and a bunch of laughing on Sylvia’s end. After speaking to Sylvia, I knew she was not in on any prank. So then who the hell is sending me these pictures?
I decided I needed to put an end to this and let the poor thing on the other end of the phone know that she will not be having a threesome, at least not with me.
Apparently Jonette had decided that the two pictures she had already sent did not show her full potential, because while I was freaking out on the phone with Sylvia, she sent me two more.
The first was your typical over the shoulder, in the mirror, picture you would see on a high schooler’s myspace, but she had pulled her pants down, so I could see her, um, butt.
Ok this is getting out of control.
Little did I know.
The fourth and final picture downloaded.
And OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, it was a picture of her VAGINA!!!
This lady had taken off her underwear (or maybe they were already off, oh god, eewwww) and snapped a pic of her lady bits, and THEN SENT IT TO ME!!
WHAT.THE.FRENCH!?!?!
I sent her a long text back letting her know that she was talking to the wrong person, I thought she was someone I knew playing a joke, but when I saw her pictures I realized it wasn’t, and please STOP NOW!
I have not heard from Jonette since. Thank God!
So right now, I have some random chick’s vagina on my cell phone. You know you’re totally jealous.
And FYI, I will not be posting any of the pictures she sent me on the internet, so please don’t ask.
you used the word heffa which could easily be considered a sizeist slur. please have more consideration in the future. there are many fragile women in the fatosphere and reading something like that is hurtful and triggering for many of them.
I am not going to change it, but I will apologize in advance to anyone who is offended by the word. It has nothing to do with size.
The things I miss in being one of the few, the proud, the cell phoneless.
OMG…That is such a funny story. It is totally the sort of weird thing that would happen to me (receiving random email I mean, not sending them…LOL) I wonder if the chick was drunk texting. I bet she was mortified the next day…LOL
There was a little more texting back and forth that I did not include with the post. I really got the impression that she was trying to get this Chris guy in trouble with “his wife” or whatever. But she obviously had the wrong number.
I lol’d hard at this. (for the record, I’ve never considered “heffa” to be a sizeist slur, not sure what the other poster was going on about…)
On heffa, in response to SC:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=heffa
Heffa is a variant of heifer, which is a female cow that has not yet birthed a calf.
Even if it’s not specifically fatphobic, the use of non-human animal names for women (bitch, chick, cow) is arguably misogynist. But heffa/heifer/cow is used and specifically connotes a large woman, and I can well understand why women who have heard the slur used against them would find it triggering and unexpected on a fat acceptance blog.
We have stated more than once that this is not a fat acceptance blog. This is a Bianca-and-Sylvia-are-totally-awesome-and-should-have-their-own-tv-show-blog.
Also, our blog is called Zaftig CHICKS, so if the term bothers you, then is probably not the super cool blog for you.
what are you, some kind of sugarglider?
This is freakin hilarious
“Send one of your vadge too. Want to make sure your pubes are properly groomed.”
Seriously. What part of that sounds like a reasonable request? Poor little chicken.
PS. This is such a random, awesome awesome post.