Biggest Loser Reject
By Bianca
Guys, I have a confession to make.
I tried out for The Biggest Loser. And not a long time ago, in a mystical land when I still believed that all I had to do was eat less and exercise more, and I would be a sexy size 4. No, I tried out for the season that is currently filming. Obviously they did not choose me, because they are idiots of the third degree, who can’t see pure talent when it is right there in front of them. I mean I hula hooped and everything in my audition video. I even made a Jello No Bake Cake from scratch, and they still didn’t pick me!??!? WHATEVER!!
Now before people start flogging me, and voting to kick me out of The Fat Girl Club, I would like to remind you that I still eat 10 pieces of deep fried, chocolate covered bacon every morning, so I am still a good fatty.
Mmm, doesn’t that sound so good right now? Deep fried, chocolate covered bacon? Yum!
Anyways.
I am going to get serious for a minute, and you may want to pay attention, because it will probably be one of the only times I actually do that here. So if you are one of those people who gets their panties all in a bunch and sends us nasty emails because I said that I don’t like children, or whatever, please read the following paragraphs, so you will see what it’s like when I am not kidding, and then you can tell the difference. Thanks!
Moving on.
Maybe you’re a little confused here. I’ve written that I am ok with being fat, and that people who don’t like it can kiss my fat ass, but then I just admitted that I auditioned for a television show that not only promotes unrealistic and unsafe weight loss, it actually rewards it. Many former contestants have admitted they basically starved themselves to be as thin as possible for The Biggest Loser finale, and I’ve read about contestants purging everything they eat while they’re on the ranch (Mmmm ranch). They also exercise for about 6 freaking hours a day, and most of the people have gained back some, if not all, of the weight they lost.
So why the hell would any sane human being want to be a part of that?
Well, obviously I am not sane. (Ok small joke, couldn’t resist)
The truth is that I wanted to be on tv, and I don’ t dance, sing or eat bugs. So The Biggest Loser is really the only show I am qualified for. (You’re probably wondering if I am joking right now, but sadly I am not. My father abandoned me when I was 6, so I am dedicated to spending my adult life trying to fill that void by getting validation from strangers on tv. So if you guys know who can put me on tv, shoot me an email. I’ll thank you in my Emmy speech.)
So what’s my point with this post? My point is that I am not fully there yet. Sylvia is not fully there yet. I’m sure a bunch of you reading this are not fully there yet either. And by there, I mean accepting our fat bodies. Because it is very hard to go against what you have been told most of your life. That fat is wrong. Fat is bad. Fat is gross. Fat is a moral failing.
And I try. I try so hard. But then something small happens. I see a super cute shirt that would fit me if I just lost 50 pounds. I see old pictures from my thinner days, and miss looking like that. My trainer tells me I’m making really great progress on my weight training, and I think maybe if I just kicked it up a notch, then maybe I would start losing some serious weight. Maybe, just maybe.
So I don’t know. I wish that I could be stronger. I wish that I didn’t sometimes long to be thinner. I wish I wasn’t sometimes secretly envious of the people who actually did get cast on the Biggest Loser. And how messed up is that? I know the show is unrealisitic and unsafe, and yet…..I’m kind of pissed that I’m not a part of it.
Do you guys struggle like this? How do you handle it?
That was one beautiful statement of the mourning process.
I’m not there yet, either. I hate being fat, and I read all these blogs by people who have come to love their bodies and I can’t believe it’s really true. This is what Kate Harding calls the Fantasy of Being Thin, but naming it doesn’t make it go away. I don’t expect to ever love myself the way a lot of people in the Fatosphere seem to be able to (not in a huge ego kind of way, but rationally — not at all trying to insult anyone here). My biggest hope is to be able to stop thinking about my fat.
I figure being fat is like being poor. The more you are confronted with what could have been, and the more time you spend daydreaming about winning the lottery, the more miserable you’ll make yourself. The best you can do is put it out of your head, look at what IS possible, enjoy the things that are free to everyone, like friendship and sunshine and libraries and shit like that.
It would be great if the morning process got us all the way there despite my expectations, and I sure hope you find your way onto TV, in some kind of show about Bianca’s awesomely cool self. It would be a lot more fun to watch than Biggest Loser.
That show would be called “Bianca’s Awesomely Cool Self” STARRING Sylvia, with guest star, Bianca
You forgot to mention the free samples they give out at Costco. Those are awesome! It’s doubly awesome if you have a kid with you, so you can make then go get you seconds of the good samples, without looking greedy.
But seriously, I am truly sorry that you feel you will never accept your fat, or love youself. It’s a hard road, and sometimes it feels like the world is against us, but I want to believe that it does get easier. I hope it does for you.
I think that even the most confident and seasoned of fat activists probably still have moments where they succumb to the pervasive body image pressures that are all around us. Sure, I’d like to be thinner. It’d definitely make shopping easier and cheaper. But the difference in the Old Me and the New Me is that I refuse to starve and beat my body into submission again to get there. I’d much rather be healthy and fat than be unhealthy and thin.
I don’t need to hear about your desire to be thin. I don’t want to hear about it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be thin, but mightn’t you bring it to a community that is more likely to support you in that regard? Does this feel like flogging? It isn’t meant to.
With all due respect, we’re not really a “fat acceptance” blog, we’re more of a “Sylvia & Bianca Acceptance” blog, and we just like to be honest, with ourselves and anyone else who cares to read about it! It’s our therapy, and hopefully it shows y’all how awesome we are!
;p
And I do think you are missing the actual point of the post. It’s not that we want to be thin, it’s that we want to be on tv, so we can be super famous, meet Oprah, and get free stuff from designers.
I’ve come a hell of a long way on the FA road over the past couple of years, and this still resonates with me. Most of the time i’m cool with precisely who and what and how fat I am, but I think we all have moments when the crazed little voices start going off in our heads. I also think it’s better to be honest and admit that sometimes it’s freaking HARD to rewire your entire brain when every bit of popular culture is telling you that you’re wrong and bad for it.
It’s stupid to assume that it’s as easy as flipping a light switch. It isn’t.
But it sort of goes right up there with the fact that I always wanted to be taller. Sure, I could wear high heels, but considering the fact that I can fall off my heels in Birkenstocks with their negative heels…it simply isn’t for me.
I’m short. I’m fat. I’m also an amazing baker, a damn good singer, a good writer, and a generally awesome partner in crime. In the longrun, being fat kind of goes with being left-handed and blue-eyed for me: facts. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes dream of being slender and tall. It doesn’t even mean that I don’t sometimes seriously long for those attributes. It’s just that now that I’m more at peace with my body, the insanity passes more quickly.
Also, I would totally watch you guys on TV being fat and awesome at the world. Biggest Loser? Not so much.
I am also a lefty, I have blue eyes, and I love Manolo for the Big Girl, so if you are ever looking for a new BFF, I will kick Sylvia to the curb in a heartbeat.
Or at least let you guest on my show.
And thanks for your comment. It’s nice to know that other awesome fat chicks understand how I feel.
How could I turn down a request for BFFdom from a fellow blue-eyed southpaw who uses Patsy as her icon?
We’ll still let Sylvia guest on our show. Once in a while.
Doesn’t it seem like Bianca is always trying to get rid of me?
Jellus H8R
Oh, you mean when you need to BOOST YOUR RATINGS?
I’ll see if I can find the time to show up your little, um, show-thingy.
If I don’t have a mani-pedi that day.
I just returned from the mall where I went to buy a couple new pairs of pants. It was sheer misery, being surrounded by thinner women and looking at cute pants in sizes I don’t fit into before resigning myself to the Big Woman’s store where the elastic-waistband stuff lives. I came home resolving to lose weight… which I know is stupid and pointless, but oh how I’d love to wear those normal sized, cute things. (And I’m not really going to try to lose weight. It’s just… well, you know.)
I thought your post was very honest and I totally respect that. Look, I accept my body and myself the way I am…I speak about it publically for God’s sake. But – that said, I would be lying if I didn’t still have the ocassional ‘If only I were thin” fantasy. This occurs most often when my knees are killing me, or I’m panting up a staircase. I believe that “fat acceptance” is simply “self acceptance” and that can take many forms and is a very fluid thing. I love myself. I am not going to put off living any more due to my size or weight. I am ok the way that I am right this minute and I know that completely. I hope you do too. That doesnt’ mean it may not one day be different (one day smaller…maybe one day bigger?) I am ok with that too and I think that we can discuss doing things for our bodies that are healthy and sane but not be flogged for not being fat acceptance-related. I think it’s all fat acceptance and/or self acceptance. good post!
You *can* get stronger, you *can* do a million things–keep going for it, knowing you have everything you need to make that happen in this body.
Too fat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4oxaZlzjzI
Where are you shopping? If all they have is elastic waist pants, and that’s not what you want, girl you need to get online and find some stuff. Here’s a post at Shapely Prose that lists some etsy options.
Yes, and usually I do. The funny thing is when I went to write this post, I wanted to talk about something completely different. But this came out instead. The one thing you will always get from us is the truth about what we are feeling. Good, bad, ugly or fat.
I love this post. Even though I usually come to Zaftig for the lolz, I love this post.
I have a great self-esteem, but of course it’s not impenetrable. There are triggers, like when I have a week where every single family member tells me to lose weight. Or when I try to buy pants and nothing fits because, not only am I fat, I have a butt like a table. And I don’t always get along with my upper arms or my double chin.
But this isn’t limited to fatties. Thin people want to change so many parts of themselves. Self hate is universal.
I think the important thing is that you don’t let it cripple you. If you can recognise that these thoughts are not fact, that they are temporary and that deep down you know you’re awesome you’ll be fine. We all have moments of weakness, but they’re just that: moments.
PS. I tried out for Australian Idol. Twice. Can you guess how many times I choked?
You are an amazing writer for one! Second, body image is always a struggle for all women. I struggle all the time with mine. It’s something that I daily have to work for and have now redirected those thoughts when they come into my mind to thanking God for the legs i have to walk, the arms and hands to hug someone, a stomach to eat, a face to show emotions, eyes to see my loved ones, a heart to feel love… ect.
Thanks for the post!
ps- Maybe instead of finding validation on TV you can find it here on your blog!
I will be your fan
http://shefit.wordpress.com
This may take away my feminist cred, but one of the things that helps me from slipping into self-hate is that I finally got together with someone who desires me in the way and shape that I am now. It’s 100% harder when you think that person might like you better or be more proud to be seen with you if you were just a little thinner, but to have someone who unabashedly loves your fat self, that’s pretty damn awesome.
If this blog was in TV form, I’d totally watch it!
So much yes!! My husband met me when I was in the middle of an eating disorder, and I have gained weight since we first met 3 years ago. And he loves me however I am. He wants me to be healthy and happy, and refuses to take the bait when I start hating on myself.
It’s awesome that you have found someone like that too.